November is National Adoption Month, and I thought it might be the perfect time to share an update on our adoption journey. While year one was mostly spent navigating new territory, which made the year both beautiful and overwhelming all at the same time, year two has been spent settling into our new “normal.” For us to get there, we have had to find time for healing and redefining our family. Let me explain…
Ian has the most beautiful mind. He is inquisitive and a big thinker. Every car ride is filled with questions, observations, and more questions. Often one idea bounces to another and yet another. Ian also has endless energy much like a bouncing rubber ball filled with joy, sunshine, and sprinkled with stardust. However, when you put all of this inside of a box like a structured school day or a martial arts lesson, it looks a lot like ADHD. It’s not.
It is, however, a brain that has experienced trauma from years of living in an institutional setting where all of your basic needs are not always met and from suffering significant losses. Fortunately, the brain can heal and grow. The fancy term for this is neuroplasticity and understanding this growth mindset has been a key component to Ian’s academic success, social-emotional development, and us becoming a family.
How does parenting from a trauma-informed perspective look different? For me, it has been three important approaches:
As the healing has taken place for Ian, we have also been able to focus on redefining who we are as a family. It has meant “Family Meetings” where we problem-solve on issues like chores, teasing each other, or how to get ready for school on time. Some of the redefining even comes in the form of scheduling events together like family movie nights or game nights. And a lot of it has been spending time outside together. Mother Nature has a lot of healing power.
For example, in July, we headed to the coast of Maine for a few days of camping. We stayed in tents, built campfires to roast marshmallows, and went on lots of hikes exploring the rocky inlets of Casco Bay. During one of our hikes, we spotted two dozen horseshoe crabs huddled along the shoreline. With closer examination, we realized that they were mating while some lonely crabs were jockeying for a mate. We stood there watching in amazement, wondering about the event, and asking each other questions about what we saw. Later in the evening, we sat on rocks observing seagulls hovering high above craggy ledges with clams in their mouths. They would then drop the clams to crack them on the ledges below and then finally swoop down to grasp the exposed meat in their beaks. We cheered when they were successful and empathized with the gulls who, after much effort, lost their meat to a larger more dominant gull.
As you can see, this second year has been filled with lots of small moments where we have slowed down to connect, heal, and build something new. We will all admit that what we are building is not perfect and the process is often messy. But… it is us weaving our lives together. It is how we define our family.
To submit your story and photos email: kbernstein@whfc.org
As we celebrate the unique, messy, bittersweet and joyous world of adoption this month, I asked the experts for their take. These experts were easy to find and offered insights pro bono. As they should. They are, after all, my children.
Our son Seko was born in a village in Ethiopia called Shebedino. It is a very rural community. A six hour, long, bumpy drive from the capital city of Addis Ababa. Shebedino is a community that widely consists of very poor subsistence farmers.
Gotcha Day sparkles in your mind like a fairy tale during the months or years you wait to bring your baby home.
We spent two weeks together in China doing all the paperwork that had to be done to get you home to your forever family. You were so patient, we went everywhere together, doctor’s visit, adoption finalization, notary paperwork and you took it all in stride. Funny, together we waited.
WIDE HORIZONS FOR CHILDREN IS DEDICATED TO THE WELL-BEING AND SECURITY OF VULNERABLE AND ORPHANED CHILDREN WORLDWIDE
